“Narcissists want to be the center of attention. They will boast, brag and tell exaggerated stories about themselves to make out that they are brilliant. They will often mix lies with truths or half-truths which may make it difficult to catch them out.”
Engaging in a conversation with a narcissist can leave someone feeling like banging their head against a brick wall. This may sound like an exaggeration; but, in truth, a brick wall may possess the same levels of empathy, understanding, and validation that a narcissist does. Why? Because these people couldn’t care less about what you’re saying; no matter the logic or meaningfulness behind your intended dialogue.
Conversing with a narcissist can be described in four ways: confusing, dizzying, infuriating and meaningless. As for the effects of such conversations, narcissistic people possess the innate “gift” of shifting any sense of their own insecurity and unworthiness to anyone who will listen. Apparently, the oft-felt repercussions of conversing with a narcissist leave the victim (and victims, they are) feeling far worse off than having become involved in a conversation with such a character in the first place. Another “talent” of narcissists is evoking a sense of blame, doubt, and uncertainty – all primary objectives of such a deluded, manipulative individual.
Make no mistake; narcissists know exactly what they’re doing. Not only are they privy to their ambitions, but narcissists also experience an elevated sense of superiority and invincibility for having duped someone else.
One underlying trait of almost all narcissists is the need to be at the center of attention. The psychological term for this insatiable necessity is “narcissistic supply,” or the need for continual reaffirmation of self-perceived value. In this article, we narrow the focus to the conversational. More specifically, we’ll discuss a few telltale signs of narcissism from a conversational perspective. In particular, we’ll discuss some commonly exhibited behaviors or narcissists that illustrate their irrational desires to be at the center of attention.
HERE ARE FIVE BEHAVIORS OF NARCISSISTS EXHIBIT TO BECOME THE CENTER OF ATTENTION:
1. REVERSE PROJECTION
Before knowing that we’re in the company of a narcissist, we’ll relate to the person as if they’re rational human beings. As we don’t purposely deceive or manipulate people, we innately trust that others will reciprocate such qualities.
However, when this trust is violated, we’ll often feel confused, hurt and – in a way – responsible for the narcissist’s behavior. The horrible thing is that this is exactly what narcissistic people want.
Without diligent caution, a narcissist can quickly “twist the conversation,” making you take on the burden of guilt. Meanwhile, the narcissist subtly reverses reality of the situation and takes on the role of an innocent victim. In other words, they reverse roles.
2. INCESSANT BLAMING
Narcissists will intently switch sensitive topics (e.g., work responsibilities) to divert your attention. They do so to put you in a defensive position, regardless of merit behind such tactics. They’ll interrogate, focusing on any and all real or perceived faults.
In turn, you’ll rightly defend yourself. Meanwhile, the narcissist will continue to hammer away at their inconceivable notion about you “being in the wrong.” Concurrently, they’ll refuse any accountability for their behavior and leave you in a resistive state. All the while, they’ll justify their “blame game” by pointing their fingers at you for having created any drama or problems in the relationship.
3. SHOCK AND AWE
When a narcissist apparently displays anger or rage, it is their intention to bully you into submission. This is an enigma, as narcissists typically don’t exhibit such vocal or physical behaviors.
The intent here is to confuse and intimidate their victim. Rational people, especially those not usually accustomed to such outbursts, may become confused and intimidated. As a result, the victim may let down their defenses and become susceptible to suggestion.
A weakened state is what the narcissist wants, as it leaves you vulnerable to their unquenchable need for control and dominance.
4. PLAYING THE VICTIM
Deceitful people love playing the victim, and narcissists certainly fall under this category. Narcissists accomplish this by garnering undeserving pity. The tragedy is that this manipulative tactic is executed at the expense of another – a person who is often the deserved recipient of good will from others.
Related article: 5 Things A Narcissist Will Try To Do To Take Advantage Of You
Though narcissists are an emotionally-neutral group, they acutely understand the power of human empathy. This knowledge is used to counter any real or perceived “threat” to their self-glossed superior standing. In the event that they hurt someone, they’ll take on a defense position – this often involves the emotional manipulation those close to you.
5. INTERRUPTING
Narcissists have an insatiable desire to be the center of attention at all times. When the topic at hand does not involve them, they’ll quickly interrupt the dialogue and attempt to refocus the conversation back to themselves.
If someone vehemently interjects, attempting to redirect the conversation, they’re quickly neutralized by the narcissist and rendered to silence. This is a narcissist’s optimal result. Should such a malignant attempt fail, the individual will immediately be placed on the narcissist’s “hit list” – a perceived threat to be dealt with according to the narcissist’s distorted view on what’s truly important…them and them only.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder: A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning in early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts. – American Psychiatric Association
“Obsession with everything related to self-importance” is a simple and concise way of defining a narcissist. Indeed, these individuals are completely enamored with their own (false) self-perceived worth.
A quick Google search will display several synonyms of narcissism, among them: conceit, egoism, egotism, self-admiration, self-absorption, self-centeredness, self-love, self-obsession, self-regard, vanity. Self, self, self…a pretty obvious recurring theme…and undoubtedly true.
One thing that narcissists aren’t necessarily is self-revealing. It is true that many narcissists do indeed display their penchant of self-everything; something made obvious by the incessant self-talk, self-promotion, or other ongoing diatribes pertaining to…you guessed it…themselves. When such conspicuous dialogue isn’t occurring, they can be witnessed trying to grab attention wherever and whenever possible.
But not all of them.
In true narcissist-like form, some of them will conceal their manipulative talents quite well. In fact, many people who consider themselves to be excellent judges of character can have difficulty in seeing a narcissist for who/what they really are. Their true identity may eventually reveal itself to some, but to most others, narcissists may appear driven, charismatic, ambitious, disciplined, and even fun.
Understanding what constitutes the personality disorder (i.e. symptoms) is the first step in identifying a narcissist. With said knowledge in-hand, one is perhaps better equipped to identify a potential narcissist and respond appropriately.
So, what should you look for?
HERE ARE 9 WAYS TO SPOT A NARCISSIST:
1. ENVIES OTHERS AND/OR BELIEVES THEY ARE TO BE ENVIED
Undercover narcissists (UCs) are quite adept in refraining from overt displays of envy or jealousy. That said, UCs may just peel back a layer and reveal their envious nature through sarcasm or another form of cryptic dialogue. It’s also common to see slyer narcissists glaring, furrowing their brow, or something else while non-verbally communicating their underlying envy.
2. EXAGGERATED SELF-IMPORTANCE
We touched on this a bit already in the intro. UC’s, and narcissists in general, possess an undeserving sense of self-importance. To them, they’re simply superior. Just call them a perfect genetic arrangement. In essence, this is what narcissists think of themselves. UC’s may not be as outward with such views, but they’re bound to surface sooner or later.
3. PREOCCUPATION WITH STATUS SYMBOLS
Name any type of status symbol – money, fame, fortune, beauty, intelligence, success, power – and odds are that the UC is darn near obsessive with one and probably more of them. To a UC, status symbols really are symbolic of one’s worth as a human being. Further, the UC is more likely to attribute such qualities to themselves without merit.
4. REQUIRES CONSTANT ADMIRATION
Call it “center of attention” or “attention hog,” but a UC needs to feel constantly reassured of their own importance. Didn’t notice the new clothes? A UC will nudge your attention to their wardrobe. Hear about their promotion? Oh, you didn’t…don’t worry, they’ll tell you about everything; including, of course, the all-important pay increase.
5. “TAKES” OFTEN, “GIVES” LITTLE
No real surprise here. UCs are takers is just about every imaginable sense. They’ll gladly take your time to ask a favor that they’ll probably never return. Or maybe they’ll ask to borrow something, money even, and never give a second thought to returning what’s rightfully yours.
6. NO SENSE OF EMPATHY
Most human beings possess an innate sense of caring for others, their situations, and their difficulties. There’s something within our genetic code that permits our brain and body to “experience” what others are going through, or have gone through. UCs really don’t seem to have this particular genetic makeup.
7. DISPLAYS AN “ELITE” STATUS
Possessing an insatiable desire for status symbols – coupled with an extreme view of self-importance – it is only natural, then, that the UC thinks of themselves as elite. Furthermore, due to their nearly-flawless nature, UCs believe that only those of similar status are really worthy of their time. Pretty much anyone else is viewed along the same lines as a serf.
Related article: 7 Things You Need To Know About A Narcissist
8. STRONG SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT
Quick question: what does the earth revolve around? Well, the sun of course! Check that. The sun and narcissists, our fault. Joking aside, in a UCs world, people, events, time, etc. all revolve around them, and must be willing to accommodate them in the fulfillment of their needs and wants.
9. SHOWS ARROGANCE AND HAUGHTINESS
Not a real big surprise, is it? Nearly every inward and outward motive of a narcissist is bound together by a tightly-knit weave of arrogance and superiority. The degree to which a UC displays such entrenched attitudes is quite individualistic, but most will eventually succumb to their inner monologue and let their arrogant outlook be known.
The DSMIV cites as an “essential feature” of the narcissist a “lack of empathy that begins by early childhood and is present in a variety of contexts.” If lack of empathy isn’t a hallmark of an antisocial individual, then what is? – Stanton E. Samenow, Ph.D.
For the layperson (including this writer), the word “narcissist” is often used without proper context. Associated with self-absorption and selfishness, the textbook definition of narcissism is used in a way that can apply to pretty much everyone with a pulse. However, some people are much more inclined to narcissistic behavior than others.
Perhaps there is no other way this misconception can be illustrated better than a narcissists’ relationship with others. This relationship – a word used in the loosest way possible – commonly involves deceitfulness, lack of empathy, and deliberate exploitation. These relationships are usually harmful to the person placing well-intentioned, but misguided, trust into a person lacking the ability to reciprocate such an emotional investment.
As decent people, it is beneficial that we’re able to identify and understand the traits of narcissists. None of us want to be exposed and abused, especially from a person whose preconceived actions and behaviors are designed to provoke the same.
It is our right to be loving and courteous, not doubtful and hesitant. We have the utmost right to protect ourselves from those who wish to harm us, whether such harm is intentional or not.
With this in mind, we believe it is beneficial to present certain scenarios that one may encounter with a potential narcissist. One of the things for which narcissists are well-known is taking advantage of people; hence, the purpose of this article.
HERE ARE FIVE WAYS THAT A NARCISSIST MAY TRY TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU:
1. COGNITIVE DISSONANCE
It is common for a narcissist to mask his/her true identity with a false self. Basically, this is designed to be a sort-of presentation to the world – a well-designed impetus to acquire much-needed attention and admiration. Never mind that such attention and admiration is undeserved; in fact, it’s quite likely the opposite.
Unfortunately, this deceptive tactic often works. People are frequently unable to fully understand the true nature of a narcissist – as a person that lacks empathy and interest in other human beings. Instead, they see someone that is charming, sweet and caring.
As a result, victims of narcissists are likely to suffer a good deal of cognitive dissonance. They often try and rationalize the “charming, sweet and caring” person with the outlandish and hurtful behaviors that the narcissist constantly subjects them to. The end result is that victims may end of blaming themselves while overlooking the narcissist’s true identity.
2. EMOTIONAL PUPPETEERING
Also known as triangulation, narcissists often manipulate emotions via the insertion of another person into the relationship. In essence, this alters the relationship dynamic, and is an attempt to both provoke jealousy and maintain control.
Triangulation generally works as follows: another problem arises in the relationship, and the narcissist doesn’t feel obligated to help solve anything. Seeing an opportunity, the narcissist will (often) manipulate the emotions of another in order for them to communicate with the “problem person” – aka, the victim.
The objective? To make the victim feel as if they must “compete” for their affections. Narcissists will commonly say things like “I wish you’d be more like him/her,” “He/she would never treat me like this.” Such statements provoke feelings of insecurity and uncertainty in the victim; often leaving them wondering where exactly they fit into the narcissist’s life.
3. “SHAPE-SHIFTING”
Narcissists love to have their egos stroked, and are well known for having a “collection” of people to do just that. Even a narcissist realizes that – in order for people to “accommodate” you – you must maintain some type of good will. To achieve this good will, a narcissist will often “shape-shift,” or embody a new persona in order to please people and get what they want. Namely, constant admiration and stroking of their ego.
Quite simply, it is not normal behavior to alter personas from one person to the next. Observing this tendency should be a telltale sign that the person is unauthentic and best, and narcissistic at worst.
4. “IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU”
Narcissists will do any say anything to cloud another’s judgement on their abnormal behavior. After subjecting their victim(s) to abuse – emotional and/or psychological, most likely – they’ll seek to invalidate and criticize any resistance to their actions. Common phrases include “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re too serious,” or “You’re misunderstanding me.”
Narcissists pride themselves on being emotional chameleons. When it comes to abuse, they’d like nothing more than for the victim to dwell in negativity and misguidedly blame themselves for the narcissist’s actions. The ultimate goal of a narcissist is to evoke a sense of self-doubt within their victims; as this self-doubt permits them more time to inflict their will.
5. THE IDEALIZATION-DEVALUATION-DISCARD CYCLE
Narcissism encompasses antisocial views and behaviors. This is most evident in relationships with romantic partners, of which there are often many. In nearly every case, the narcissist will put their partner through a cycle of idealization, devaluation and discarding.
Idealization involves making their partner the centerpiece of their life. During this phase, they’ll be charming, courteous and praising. They’ll flatter someone with this phase, and make their victim think they found their soulmate. In return, they’ll receive the admiration and attention that they constantly need.
Related article: 9 Ways to Spot A Narcissist
Suddenly, the narcissist will begin to create feelings of “hot and cold,” where they continue the idealization phase to small extent, while criticizing their victim and often withdrawing from them. Predictably, the narcissist will manipulate the victim’s emotions in an attempt to maintain control. This period is often wrought with emotional and psychological abuse.
Finally, the narcissist believes their job to be done and subsequently pulls out of the relationship. But not before demeaning and disrespecting their victim in some terrible way; often by leaving them for someone else, humiliating them in front of others, or simply ignoring them for days on end.
SOURCES:
HILL, MS, LPC, T., POSTS, V. ALL AND ?LPC (2015) TRIANGULATION: THE TRAP OF THE PROBLEMATIC PERSON. AVAILABLE AT: HTTPS://BLOGS.PSYCHCENTRAL.COM/CAREGIVE ... LY-MEMBER/ (ACCESSED: 19 NOVEMBER 2016).
SAMENOW, PH.D, S. (2011) NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER AND THE ANTISOCIAL PERSONALITY DISORDER — A LOT IN COMMON. AVAILABLE AT: HTTPS://WWW.PSYCHOLOGYTODAY.COM/BLOG/IN ... ANTISOCIAL (ACCESSED: 19 NOVEMBER 2016).
Narcissistic Personality Disorder: A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning in early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts. – American Psychiatric Association
“Obsession with everything related to self-importance” is a simple and concise way of defining a narcissist. Indeed, these individuals are completely enamored with their own (false) self-perceived worth.
A quick Google search will display several synonyms of narcissism, among them: conceit, egoism, egotism, self-admiration, self-absorption, self-centeredness, self-love, self-obsession, self-regard, vanity. Self, self, self…a pretty obvious recurring theme…and undoubtedly true.
One thing that narcissists aren’t necessarily is self-revealing. It is true that many narcissists do indeed display their penchant of self-everything; something made obvious by the incessant self-talk, self-promotion, or other ongoing diatribes pertaining to…you guessed it…themselves. When such conspicuous dialogue isn’t occurring, they can be witnessed trying to grab attention wherever and whenever possible.
But not all of them.
In true narcissist-like form, some of them will conceal their manipulative talents quite well. In fact, many people who consider themselves to be excellent judges of character can have difficulty in seeing a narcissist for who/what they really are. Their true identity may eventually reveal itself to some, but to most others, narcissists may appear driven, charismatic, ambitious, disciplined, and even fun.
Understanding what constitutes the personality disorder (i.e. symptoms) is the first step in identifying a narcissist. With said knowledge in-hand, one is perhaps better equipped to identify a potential narcissist and respond appropriately.
So, what should you look for?
HERE ARE 9 WAYS TO KNOW IT'S A NARCISSIST:
1. ENVIES OTHERS AND/OR BELIEVES THEY ARE TO BE ENVIED
Undercover narcissists (UCs) are quite adept in refraining from overt displays of envy or jealousy. That said, UCs may just peel back a layer and reveal their envious nature through sarcasm or another form of cryptic dialogue. It’s also common to see slyer narcissists glaring, furrowing their brow, or something else while non-verbally communicating their underlying envy.
2. EXAGGERATED SELF-IMPORTANCE
We touched on this a bit already in the intro. UC’s, and narcissists in general, possess an undeserving sense of self-importance. To them, they’re simply superior. Just call them a perfect genetic arrangement. In essence, this is what narcissists think of themselves. UC’s may not be as outward with such views, but they’re bound to surface sooner or later.
3. PREOCCUPATION WITH STATUS SYMBOLS
Name any type of status symbol – money, fame, fortune, beauty, intelligence, success, power – and odds are that the UC is darn near obsessive with one and probably more of them. To a UC, status symbols really are symbolic of one’s worth as a human being. Further, the UC is more likely to attribute such qualities to themselves without merit.
4. REQUIRES CONSTANT ADMIRATION
Call it “center of attention” or “attention hog,” but a UC needs to feel constantly reassured of their own importance. Didn’t notice the new clothes? A UC will nudge your attention to their wardrobe. Hear about their promotion? Oh, you didn’t…don’t worry, they’ll tell you about everything; including, of course, the all-important pay increase.
5. “TAKES” OFTEN, “GIVES” LITTLE
No real surprise here. UCs are takers is just about every imaginable sense. They’ll gladly take your time to ask a favor that they’ll probably never return. Or maybe they’ll ask to borrow something, money even, and never give a second thought to returning what’s rightfully yours.
6. NO SENSE OF EMPATHY
Most human beings possess an innate sense of caring for others, their situations, and their difficulties. There’s something within our genetic code that permits our brain and body to “experience” what others are going through, or have gone through. UCs really don’t seem to have this particular genetic makeup.
7. DISPLAYS AN “ELITE” STATUS
Possessing an insatiable desire for status symbols – coupled with an extreme view of self-importance – it is only natural, then, that the UC thinks of themselves as elite. Furthermore, due to their nearly-flawless nature, UCs believe that only those of similar status are really worthy of their time. Pretty much anyone else is viewed along the same lines as a serf.
Related article: 7 Things You Need To Know About A Narcissist
8. STRONG SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT
Quick question: what does the earth revolve around? Well, the sun of course! Check that. The sun and narcissists, our fault. Joking aside, in a UCs world, people, events, time, etc. all revolve around them, and must be willing to accommodate them in the fulfillment of their needs and wants.
9. SHOWS ARROGANCE AND HAUGHTINESS
Not a real big surprise, is it? Nearly every inward and outward motive of a narcissist is bound together by a tightly-knit weave of arrogance and superiority. The degree to which a UC displays such entrenched attitudes is quite individualistic, but most will eventually succumb to their inner monologue and let their arrogant outlook be known.
Manipulative people are everywhere these days, from social media to the workplace. They want you to give up something, whether that is time, money or influence, in order to benefit them. Manipulative people will play on your emotions or play the martyr in order to try to make you feel sorry for them.
Children will cry and give you the “sad face,” while adults will tell you some sob story in order to manipulate you into getting what they want.
Manipulative people will manufacture drama or emotionally charged situations in order to elicit strong emotions from you and inhibit your ability to think clearly. Once you are in a vulnerable state, you are easier to manipulate.
The best thing you can do to deal with manipulative people is to ignore them or cut them out of your life. But if you must deal with them because of work or they are a family member, then here are 9 comebacks that will put them in their place.
HERE ARE 9 COMEBACKS FOR DEALING WITH A MANIPULATOR:
1. “NO.”
You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. A manipulative person will try to use guilt or your sympathy to pressure you into doing what they want. Just say no. You are in control of your own time and resources, so don’t let others guilt you into changing your plans to suit them or giving them something when you don’t really have it to give.
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2. “I’M VERY BUSY; MAYBE WE CAN TALK SOME OTHER TIME.”
Manipulators need to be able to speak with you in order for them to work their tricks. If you deny them the opportunity to talk with you, then they cannot affect you. If you blow them off enough, they will search for easier prey.
3. “I NEED YOU TO TAKE A STEP BACK.”
Manipulators will sometimes try to use intimidation in order to get what they want. Establish boundaries with them and show that you will no be intimidated by standing up to them. Also, be aware of your surroundings and avoid places where a manipulator can corner you alone.
4. “MY HEART BLEEDS FOR YOU.”
Manipulative people will give you a sob story in order to elicit a sympathetic response that they can abuse in order to get whatever it is that they want. Feeling sorry for them lowers your guard and makes it easier for them to manipulate your emotional state. Don’t let them.
5. “I WILL TALK TO YOU WHEN YOU CALM DOWN.”
Manipulators will use high emotional states in order to distract or confuse you by getting you to react emotionally instead of rationally. When you are highly emotional, you are vulnerable to manipulation, and they know it.
6. “MY FEELINGS ARE JUST AS VALID AS YOURS.”
Manipulators will try to invalidate your feelings or treat them as inconsequential. You have just as much right to your feelings as they have to theirs. Don’t let them dictate how or what you should feel about a situation.
7. “THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.”
If a manipulator violates your boundaries with their words or actions, then you should let them know that you will not be bullied or pressured into giving them what they want. Set firm boundaries and stick to them. Manipulators want easy prey – if you set and enforce boundaries, they will go looking somewhere else for a victim.
8. “I HAVE VALUE AND WORTH AS A PERSON.”
Manipulators will try to make you feel worthless or stupid. They feed on people who have low self esteem. If they can make you feel that you are useless or worthless without them, then they make you dependent on them and easier to manipulate. If you value yourself, then no one can tell you that you are worthless because you know better.
Related article: 5 Signs Someone Is Trying To Manipulate You
9. “DON’T TALK TO ME.”
The best way to deal with a manipulator is to not engage them in conversation. If they can’t talk to you, then they can’t manipulate you. By shutting them down, you let them know that you are not going to play their games. It sets a boundary and discourages them before they get started.
Remain firm when dealing with a manipulator. Once you stop the behavior with positive reinforcement, they recognize that they have lost their power over you. Setting boundaries is important. These are people who need recognition and will use negativity to get what they want.
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